National Geographic

I hereby dedicate this song to Daniel and Henrik Sedin.  Bang.  Done.  Pay attention!

COLUMBUS DISPATCH - A Huron County woman stashed 47 balloons of heroin in her vagina after a quick drug deal in Columbus on Thursday, the Delaware County sheriff said yesterday. A Delaware County deputy received a tip that Tiffany Giummo, 20, of Willard, would be traveling to Columbus to buy heroin, Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said in a news release. The deputy saw Giummo get into another vehicle about 4:25 p.m. Thursday, briefly drive around the block, then get back in her Dodge Durango. The driver of the second vehicle told the deputy that he was a confidential informant for Huron County in northern Ohio and that Giummo had 47 balloons of heroin hidden inside her body. Giummo was stopped on I-71 near Sunbury by the deputy as she was heading north. She admitted that she had heroin inside her body and said she would retrieve it, according to the release. About 4.23 grams of heroin were seized, worth about $850. The Bureau of Criminal Identification and Investigation will determine the official weight of the drug. Drug dealers often use balloons to package small amounts of heroin, about the size of the top of a pinky finger. Giummo, who faces a felony charge of possession of drugs, is being held at the Delaware County jail. "Heroin is already an extremely dangerous drug, but transporting it inside the body has taken this danger to another level," Davis said in the release. "Transporting heroin inside the body raises the risk of the drug entering the system in unknown quantities, which could result in overdose or death."

This must be some loosey cootchie. And by the way, wash off that heroin immediately. Chick looks flat out nasty. The balloons probably got an STD. Matter of fact, I pity the poor police officer who had to look at that thing and scoop out the dope (pun intended). I have a feeling Tiffany's vagina looks like the face of an angry bear. Not pretty.

NYDAILYNEWS - A Florida woman was busted by cops after she allegedly attempted to hide a knife in her "private area," police said. Gloria Esther Perez, 25, faces a charge of carrying a concealed weapon after her arrest in April. Fort Myers cops discovered the unusual hiding spot after responding to a report of Perez fighting with another woman, a police report said. When approached by an officer, Perez and the other woman, Whitney Noelle Krimmel, 28, were "very cooperative," telling him they were fighting over buying cigarettes, police said. However, the longer police remained, the more "nervous" the women appeared to be, the report said. An officer also noticed that Perez was becoming increasingly fidgety, "putting hands into her pockets and near her private area like she was trying to conceal something." Enlisting the help of a female deputy, Perez was searched and found to be hiding dozens of prescription pills, police said.Perez then "became ill," the police report states, and was taken to a hospital. Once there, it was discovered she was concealing two knives. One was tucked within the folds of her fat while the other was "hidden in her vagina." In addition to the concealed weapons charge, Perez faces several charges relating to the possession of narcotics.

These weapons of mass destruction must have been butter knives. Otherwise, how is it that G-L-O-R-I-A wasn't bleedin' all over the place? Now contrary to what some of you more feisty fans out there believe, I don't have a vagina, but I've seen one or two in my lifetime and am vaguely familiar with that specific piece of anatomy. Not so much of an expert on rolls of fat though, thankfully. But from my limited experience, the "vajayjay canal" would not be the preferred storage vehicle for sharpened stainless steel. I say drop the current charges and book this dipshit for what should be a crime in all 50 states - Misdemeanor Ridonkulous Moronic-ness. That's right, MRM for short should be a crime all across the glorious US of A because it's becoming an epidemic (especially in Florida). The punishment? 30 days of intensive common sense instruction at your nearest elementary school. If you're not smarter than a fifth-grader at the end of class, rinse and repeat. Bang. Done. Pay the fuck attention!