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BENTONVILLE, Ark. (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting some silly breaking news for Anderson Cooper 360ยบ on CNN. According to some documents, allegedly "secret" documents, CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. News reveal an "alarming" plan by Wal-Mart management to play the hand of God with employees. What makes the plan so "alarming" is the fact that Wal-Mart management was smart enough to come up with it -- now, that's real news...
"I was called over the loudedspeaker for a cleans-up in aisle seven," told me an anonymous employee named Jethro Snowy, his real name, swear you, I checked, even if he is anonymous. And he spoke with me on the condition that I only use two of the three names he goes by, besides anonymous. Yes Deewy, I said.
"I guesst instead of picking up the paper towels off Mr. Gillrolly's desk, I grabbed these here memos," added Deewy.
These here memos detail Wal-Mart's plan to genetically mutate their employees in order to maximize productivity. The first phase of the project involves removing one arm from each greeter and surgically attaching it to a stock person.
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Following the company's recent announcement that it will start selling the "Plan B" morning-after birth control pill, CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. News learned the true reason why.
Management figures show an 11% loss in productivity from pregnant teenagers who miss all or part of a shift in order to go have their babies. Under the proposed plan, all female employees would be given the Plan B pill at the start of every shift in order to prevent this unnecessary time off. This does include those female workers with whom no person in their right mind would ever have sex.
Phone calls by CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. News to Wal-Mart headquarters were not returned. However, we speculate that could be because the person who answered didn't really seem to understand the whole "phone" concept. She kept screaming "No! No! I'm being forced to take a pill... (UNINTELLIGIBLE) No! No! (UNINTELLIGIBLE)..." So CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. News hung up without making a reasonable contact.
